Conflict Resolution Tip: Be Forgiving When They Get It Wrong

Here's a quick tip for working through conflict situations: be forgiving of the other party when they do things wrong. Let them get the facts wrong. Let them suggest that your intentions are one way, when you know they are another. Let them base their conclusion on inaccurate information they got from someone else.

When you discover these things, be compassionate and forgiving of the other side, and look at it as an opportunity to correct the information and help the situation. It's a gift that you can now provide accurate data to the other party or correct a misinterpretation. And don't get mad at them for getting it wrong. That doesn't help either of you, and it tends to stop the conversation dead in its tracks.

Jamie

24.10.2010 at 8:48 am

Scott–but I agree with your comment! (always the conflict resolver…). Seriously, I agree with what you’re saying, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough in the post, because I was talking about people getting mad at others for being wrong (not getting mad when someone points out I’m wrong). Like you telling me that you thought I wouldn’t be at Great Ideas since I didn’t go last year (but I did go in fact), and me getting all mad at you for having incorrect facts and saying things about me that are untrue. I might even throw in a sarcastic “how could you” question (How could you NOT know that I was at Great Ideas last year?! You took my picture!!). I see this all the time in conflict situations, particularly ones with a history.
I’m saying, let them be wrong. Let them be misinformed and don’t use that as another excuse to be mad at them or think they are incompetent. In tough conflict situations, most of the “truth” or “data” we have are loaded with assumptions or hearsay–on both sides. So be gentle with it and view it as an opportunity to move the conversation forward.

2 Comments

Scott Briscoe

21.10.2010 at 1:35 pm

I hate to say it Jamie, but you’re wrong in this post. (tee hee)
I’ve always found the trouble isn’t that people get angry or mad — I think they rarely do at first. Even when someone IS wrong, pointing it out to them doesn’t usually show them the error of their ways. It usually is a call to dig in heels — it’s then that anger starts getting in the way, because it’s no longer about the ultimate goal, it’s about who is right and who is wrong.
Some people are really good at graciously pointing out wrongness, most of us are just fair at it. And most of us are really, really bad at hearing we’re wrong and actually considering it as a possibility.
Jamie

24.10.2010 at 8:48 am

Scott–but I agree with your comment! (always the conflict resolver…). Seriously, I agree with what you’re saying, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough in the post, because I was talking about people getting mad at others for being wrong (not getting mad when someone points out I’m wrong). Like you telling me that you thought I wouldn’t be at Great Ideas since I didn’t go last year (but I did go in fact), and me getting all mad at you for having incorrect facts and saying things about me that are untrue. I might even throw in a sarcastic “how could you” question (How could you NOT know that I was at Great Ideas last year?! You took my picture!!). I see this all the time in conflict situations, particularly ones with a history.
I’m saying, let them be wrong. Let them be misinformed and don’t use that as another excuse to be mad at them or think they are incompetent. In tough conflict situations, most of the “truth” or “data” we have are loaded with assumptions or hearsay–on both sides. So be gentle with it and view it as an opportunity to move the conversation forward.