A couple of years ago I wrote a post about “moving toward the conflict.” It’s an important conflict resolution tip that I talk about in my sessions on conflict. It’s almost always easier to deal with conflict when it is small, so when it first emerges, that’s the time to talk about it (yet so many of us wait until it gets bigger and more difficult). I was reminded of this tip during an interesting conversation Maddie and I had this week with Richard Sheridan, the CEO of the software company, Menlo Innovations. Menlo is a very cool place, and they’ve been covered by NPR, Forbes, Inc., etc. They do management very differently, including having an open office layout, and they are emphatic about collaboration–including having every two employees sharing ONE computer as they do their software coding.

Maddie and I asked him about how people there deal with differences and conflict. It seems like even small staff squabbles could pose a significant challenge to productivity when collaboration is so central. His answer was in line with my post from two years ago–they actively encourage people to confront conflict early on, rather than letting it simmer. But he added a very interesting twist. He said that if you’re at Menlo, working with a colleague, and he or she says something that bugs your or hints at a conflict, or indicates something might be off, you move toward the issue with a simple, but powerful question:

Hey, how are you doing?

It’s moving toward the conflict, but in a slightly different way. Instead of moving directly toward the issue (“Hey, what did you mean by that last comment?”), it starts with simply moving toward the other person and putting some attention on them in an open-ended way. There’s no pressure on them about how to answer that question. They can say “I’m fine” or maybe they’ll tell you that their annoyed about something completely unrelated to work (which might explain their last comment, actually). That might actually resolve the conflict before you bring it up. Or if they are fine, then now you can bring up that potential issue in a very clear way, and the other person is probably in a better state to actually hear you.

All because you started with some curiosity, and some empathy, and some focus on the other party–all of which do wonders in conflict conversations.